Spam Lite: Idiot's delight

It is not often that I come face to face with the mail that my many secret admirers and long-time friends (including some pre-t-ty famous names!) in "Nigeria" and elsewhere keep sending me, in the hope of boring through my inhumane unresponsiveness.

But today I was rummaging through my spam pantry - hey, it's been a slow day - and found a beauty the likes of which I haven't seen in a long time. It has everything: mystery, suspense, international intrigue - and even a cryptic metaphysical insight into the nature of Time, which then leads to an astonishingly astute and thorough self-examination process by the recipient.

So, I am reproducing this gem of epistolary elegance in its entirety, for all the WWWorld to share and learn.


CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE UNITED
HEADQUARTER UNITED STATE OF AMERICA
..............................

.............................. ...........

THIS IS TO OFFICIALLY INFORM YOU THAT IT HAS COME TO OUR NOTICE AND WE HAVE THOROUGHLY INVESTIGATED BY THE HELP OF OUR INTELLIGENCE MONITORING NETWORK SYSTEM THAT YOU ARE HAVING AN ILLEGAL TRANSACTION WITH IMPOSTORS CLAIMING TO BE PROF.CHARLES C. SOLUDO OF CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA,OFFICIALS OF OTHER BANKS IN NIGERIA AND LONDON UNITED KINGDOM INCLUDING CITIBANK HSBC BACLAYS BANK ETC,IMPOSTORS CLAIMING TO BE MINISTERS AND NIGERIA GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS.NOW STOP ALL THAT TRANSACTION IMMEDIATELY.

WE HAVE BEEN HAVING MEETINGS FOR THE PAST 6 MONTHS, WHICH ENDED 2 DAYS AGO, WITH THE SECRETARY GENERAL OF UNITED NATIONS AND NIGERIA GOVERNMENT, TO AVOID SCAMS AND FRAUDULANT ACTIVITIES. THIS MAIL IS TO ALL THE PEOPLE THAT HAVE BEEN SCAMMED IN ANY PART OF THE WORLD, THIS INCLUDES ALL THE CONTRACTORS THAT MAY HAVE NOT RECEIVED THEIR DUE CONTRACT FUND, AND PEOPLE THAT HAVE HAD UNFINISHED TRANSACTION DUE TO ONE PROBLEM OR THE OTHER ETC. THE CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY [CIA] INCONJUCTION WITH UNITED NATIONS AND NIGERIA GOVERNMENT HAVE BROUGHT A SOLUTION TO END THIS PROBLEM. SINCE THE CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY [CIA] IS INVOLVED IN THIS TRANSACTION, BE REST ASSURED OF 100% RISK FREE BECAUSE IT IS OUR RIGHT TO PROTECT AMERICAN CITIZENS AND ALL THE WORLD.

RIGHT NOW WE HAVE ACCEPTED AFTER THE INVESTIGATIONS AND MEETINGS TO USE AFRI BANK NIGERIA PLC AS THE ONLY LEGITIMATE BANK FOR INHERITANCE /CONTRACT PAYMENT OF $3,000,000 ONLY THROUGH ATM SWIFT CARD , THIS IS THE LATEST INSTRUCTION BY THE NEW ELECTED PRESIDENT ALHAJI UMAR MUSA YAR'ADUA (GCFR) FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA .

BECAUSE OF IMPOSTORS, HERE IS A CODE OF CONDUCT,(ATM 1221) SO YOU HAVE TO INDICATE THIS CODE WHEN CONTACTING THE AFRI BANK ATM CARD PAYMENT CENTRE.THIS CARD CENTER WILL SEND YOU AN INTERSWITCH VISA CARD WHICH YOU WILL USE TO WITHDRAW YOUR MONEY IN ATM MACHINE IN ANY PART OF THE WORLD, SO IF YOU LIKE TO RECIEVE YOUR FUND THIS WAY PLEASE IMMEDIATE CONTACT THE DIRECTOR AFRI BANK NIGERIA PLC,CARD PAYMENT CENTER, CONTACT PERSON,

MRS SHERRY FRANKLINE IGOR
TELL +234-808 6008480
EMAIL: atmcustomercareabplc@yahoo.no , urgentaddress@webmail.co.za

AND ALSO SEND THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION:

1.PHONE AND FAX NUMBER,
2.ADDRESS WERE YOU WANT THEM TO SEND THE ATM CARD.
3.YOUR FULL NAME AND TOTAL AMOUNT OF YOUR FUND.
4.YOUR AGE AND OCCUPATION
5.A COPY OF YOUR ID CARD OR PASSPORT

REGARDS,
DAVID OLIVIER
C.I.A SPECIAL AGENT
CONTACT ME HERE IF YOU NEED ASSISTANCE
info00999999@centrum.cz
TEL/FAX: (262)-436-7459




What I find most reassuring of all is the apparent octopus-like presence of this C.I.A. around the world, judging by the country domains of the email addresses used by the officials who kindly watch over my monetary integrity and well-being. (And I am not even an American, mind you!)

Also, I have to admit, I was relieved to receive official word of mouth that the past six months ended two days ago, because sometimes I can get sidetracked in time/space. Then again, they probably knew that. (Duh!)
And notice how subtly, with supreme psychological finesse, they then proceed to test my perception of my own identity! (See the list of information items I am supposed to supply.) You don't get that sort - almost Zen-like in its approach - of holistic character-building for love or money! Well - maybe for money.

Speaking of which, I am thinking I might use the "code of conduct" number they supplied for me to play the lottery...